I was always a sensitive person, especially as a child. I was a big over-thinker, and would constantly analyze and pick apart every interaction I had with others. I always had a nagging thought at the back of my head telling me that I didn’t belong anywhere, and I felt constantly misunderstood.

I started using alcohol and drugs at age 16 in attempt to numb the pain of being different and socially awkward. I rarely fit in with the kids at school, and felt disconnected and judged at home. I yearned for a place to belong, but felt welcome nowhere. Drugs and alcohol gave me an escape from a crude and aching reality, and allowed me to create a space where all of those feelings disappeared.

I started noticing in my 20s that not only was I different from my peers in sensory perception, I was also different with my drinking. While other people seemed to be fine with having one or two drinks, I had a compulsive need to continue drinking until I went to bed. It was a physical urge that I couldn’t deny my body; a chemical reaction that took control whenever I decided to indulge in drinking. I often wondered to myself whether or not I had a problem, but quickly shoved those thoughts aside. It was easier to normalize my behaviour rather than entertain the idea that I may struggle with addiction. 

This game I played with myself continued for many years. I noticed that my drinking began to escalate as I got older, but again, I was able to normalize my behaviour and “manage” my drinking by hiding it from others and convincing myself that I was still a functional human being. 

By November 2022, I had hit my breaking point. I was no longer making an effort to hide my drinking. I literally could not function without a buzz. I needed a drink to make a phone call, to open my mail, to go to the grocery store; any small endeavour was impossible for me to do without a drink. I was going through life as a shell of my former self, hiding behind alcohol because I was so afraid of what I had become. Masking my emotions and true self were all I knew at this point. And the irony is this: I drank because I was so afraid to see what I had become due to my drinking. And consequently, I drank more. 

I was beginning to hurt the people who cared about me the most. My behaviour was belligerent, sporadic and there were times that I had put my life at risk. My life had completely spiralled out of my control, and I was drowning in my own despair that I had created. My toxic patterns were ruling my life, and I could no longer recognize myself.

 My close friend and my partner finally had enough of my behaviour. I didn’t know it, but I was at a crossroads. They told me that they couldn’t watch me destroy myself anymore, and that I needed to make a change NOW. I saw on their faces how scared and hurt they were from watching me go down this path. I suddenly realized that this was no longer about me. If I continued going down this path of self-destruction, not only would I lose myself completely, but I would also lose the most important people in my life. In the same breath, I didn’t think that it was possible for me to go even 24 hours without drinking. But looking at their fearful, hurt expressions, I knew that at the very least, I had to try.

It turns out, I had it in me. To this day, I haven’t had a drink. The process I went through to get sober was painful and full of shame-spirals. I never went to a meeting. I didn’t see a therapist. I did it alone (not something I recommend). I think that a part of me didn’t feel like I deserved support during this process of healing, because I felt that I had done so much damage to myself and those around me. Another part of me was so ashamed to finally admit to myself that I am an alcoholic, and felt the need to hide myself from the world. The grief and the guilt were so strong, but somehow I pulled myself out and am now living a happy and honest sober lifestyle.

If you can relate to this story and you’re ready to get out of this pattern and get to a point where you have presence, peace of mind, balance in your life and the freedom to choose how you spend your time and money, then you may be interested in the program I have created. The Sober Experience With Lexie is an in-depth, deep-dive journey into self-discovery and creating your ideal life.

In this program, I guide my clients through their own unique version of the exact steps that helped me go from drinking every day, spending money on alcohol and spiralling out of control to changing my toxic patterns into healthy habits, exchanging my negative thoughts for positive thoughts, and getting real and honest with myself so that I could live the authentic, abundant life of which I had always dreamed. 

If you’re ready to take the leap and you’d like to set up a call to see if this program would be a good fit for you, click the link to book a free consultation!